Cue Adele's "Hello"
Haha, bet you didn't expect to hear from me again so soon XD
Hello again dear readers!
It hasn’t been long since I last wrote, but yesterday was an eventful day, so I wanted to share a bit of insight I gained on life. Also, I wanted to leave a memoir of sorts for myself to look back at when I reflect on life.
Yesterday, Monday August 19, 2024, I, Rosie the Brave, ended a “relationship.” I’m leaving quotation marks around relationship because I’m not sure if it was really a relationship, I mean, we were mutually in it with full intentions of a serious relationship, but it was still in the early stages of getting to know each other.
After six weeks of deep, arduous contemplation, serious self-reflection and self-discovery, I concluded that things weren’t gonna work out. I try to live as authentically to how I feel as I can. As one of my friends put it: you don’t really disguise your emotions unless you’re trying to be polite [at work]. So, as soon as I figured out this “relationship” wasn’t working for me, I decided the best course of action was to pull the trigger.
To set the record straight, it was a peaceful parting (IMHO), no hard feelings (on my side at least), great guy, kind, genuine, easy-going, etc., but he wasn’t the right one for me.
For starters, I am a super strong Type A personality, he’s a Type B. Amongst the many shortcomings I have, anxiety issues rank pretty high on the list. During this “relationship” period, I was able to gain first-hand experience that: when you are mentally stressed to certain degree, it evolves into physical stress and your body actually starts sending off distress signals. In all my not-so-many years on this earth, the last two weeks have been the most stressful I’ve ever lived. That’s really saying something ‘cause I have a pretty high stress-tolerance thanks to my job experiences.
I actually felt immensely pressured by the guy’s enthusiasm, he had told his family very early on and already mentioned visiting his family should opportunity arise. It was a very sweet gesture in terms of establishing his seriousness about the whole relationship situation, but as time went on and we kept circling back to this topic, it became a source of immense mental pressure for me. It felt like everything was spiraling out of control and I was being forced to match myself with the mental/emotional state he was at. The inner turmoil between: “maybe it’s just my problem, maybe I’m actually feeling the same way” vs “omg, what is happening? is this all for real? I don’t even really know this guy yet!” was tearing me apart and I was at the brink of a mental breakdown.
My friends were super supportive throughout this whole venture and always took time out of their busy lives to listen to my long ramblings of utter confusion. They gave me sound advice and helped me walk through the maze of emotions, anxiety, and frustration. I gave myself the grace of not really contacting the guy for about two weeks so I could figure out what was really happening and how to proceed with the situation.
Once I made my decision, I was still a bit hesitant to take action. I like entertaining the idea of a super heated debate, but I don’t enjoy actual confrontation. There was also the FOMO of: maybe I should just settle? I mean he’s not a bad guy…will I even be able to meet someone else? What if I missed my Mr. Right?
As I wavered back and forth, it became clearer and clearer that this wasn’t a good choice in the long run. Amongst many other considerations, my strong personality and his super-chill relaxed personality would inevitably lead to me getting frustrated and resentful about many things and he may not even know why.
(images courtesy of Google Images)
For both of our sakes (esp. my sanity and overall mental/physical health), I concluded that the best decision was to end things as soon as possible. I didn’t feel comfortable with pretending that everything was okay when I already wanted out, that would be unfair to the guy as well. So after an awkward and slightly confrontational conversation, I was a free woman again.
Afterwards, I went to visit a very dear friend and her newborn, it was a most therapeutic post-“break up” afternoon. I felt like I enlightened to a whole new realm of something hard to put into words, I guess it can only be described as a newfound respect and reverance towards life. The baby was so small and pure and lovely, I could finally understand more deeply why people say: our weaknesses become our strengths. The unconditional love to protect someone or something precious makes us invincible.
Rounding back to the original topic, I’m super grateful and glad that I went through this “relationship” experience. It made me more clear on where I am in life, what I value, who I am, and more.
This experience also brought me closer to my own dear friends, the most understanding, caring, kind-hearted, strong-hearted, >insert a million other positive adjectives here< women I’ve ever met and I love each and every one of them dearly. Shout-out to all of them here: Thank you all so much! Y’all are the reason why I have the courage to keep going, since I know that no matter what, there will still be people who love me genuinely and unconditionally for who I am and that gives me immeasurable strength and courage.
Until next time then, dear readers!