Thoughts of the Week (or past two weeks): Learning to Love Myself
Don't succumb to others' expectations
Wow, can’t believe it’s been almost two weeks since my last post…time sure flies. I was a bit under the weather the previous week, just scraping by with my soul floating along next to my shell…thankfully I’m feeling better now.
My thoughts are all over the place, so apologies if this post just turns out to be word vomit.
I’ve been struggling with self-esteem issues, existential issues really. Although my wider circle of friends/friendly acquaintences give me this highly dubious “what are you even ****ing about” look, my close friends understand my woes. Thankfully I’ve learned how to de-stress and build my own support system.
I was born and raised in a Chinese-American family, my parents immigrated to America before I was born. They were the archetypal tough-love, strict Asian parents. Regardless of what predestined relationships we have or what kinda s*** we put each other through, we still love each other very much, I think (jk).
I left home to pursue my dream at the age of twelve so I’ve had plenty of time to discover the many notions and habits of my childhood that have helped/hindered my growth in life. My anxiety and prejudice issues definitely stem from my childhood years.
For a good part of my solo venturing years, I had overwhelming panic attacks whenever I faced controversy. I literally felt my “heart drop,” it was as if my soul had fallen off a cliff. These panic attacks intensified after I started my job.
There were so many overwhelming factors to stress out over. From mental stress at work to physical discomfort from the daily toll of wandering the earth, there’s a lot of pressure just living the day-to-day life. Especially dealing with people, people have so many problems, so many prejudices. #woes-of-an-introverted-administrative-corporate-slave
As my stress levels steadily (or exponentially) rose, I found myself facing a dire situation: learn how to deal with it (stress) or quit. I knew that if I kept letting the stress get to me, I was going to crash psychologically.
I learned how to cope with stress positively. I learned to come to peace with the fact that: there are simply times I am trapped in a losing game. There’s just no way to win. The sooner I get that ingrained in my head, the sooner I can release myself from the overwhelming stress and pressure I’ve trapped myself in.
I can’t win everyone’s favor, there will always be people who dislike me, but why should I let that tiny percentage of people who don’t even care about me determine my worth? Wouldn’t it just be wiser to cut off the haters and focus on the people/things I care about?
That being said, I must also admit: there are so many beautiful, happy little moments in life that go down in the books to be cherished for years to come.
Life really feels like a long, long journey to discovering the most important person in my life: me.
I’ve taken personality tests (MBTI: INTJ-A), delved into the nitty gritty of my zodiac signs (Chinese: Pig; astrological: Capricorn) and actively listen/read about other people’s journeys. It’s been an extremely insightful, eye-opening process. I’ve learned to truly accept myself for who I am and not just some puppet that lives for the sole purpose of satisfying other people’s expectations. I mean, the world is such a contradictory place.
Before the age of 23, all my elders’ attitudes were: don’t get into a relationship too early, it will affect your studies/professional development. After reaching 25, suddenly those same elders’ attitudes went on a 180 degree nosedive: “Do you have boyfriend? Why are you STILL single? Everyone else your age is married/has kids/etc.”
By the age of 26, I was an “old maid.”
When I’m clear-headed, I can look at this whole thing calmly, but when I get swept up by other people’s opinions, I lose my cool. I start doubting my own self-worth: am I really just so unworthy that I will never find anyone?
I chatted with a close friend the other day after getting swept up into another round of fretting over my single status. I felt cornered by the limited options and how it seemed like I was gonna be a social outcast/talk of town if I wasn’t married asap.
But after some deep reflection, I quickly pulled myself out of this bull’s horn. I’m single but I have a job, savings, a place to stay, a car (just recently settled the whole title transfer, car insurance, registration by myself, pat on the back for being such a capable human being, go me!).
I have a first-rate close circle of friends who truly understand me and many other good friends who support me. I have dreams and ambitions I’m putting into action (e.g., vlogging, blogging, etc.). I try out new things I’m curious about (e.g., boxing, [indoor] rock climbing).
In conclusion, I don’t need a guy to make my life better, so I shouldn’t belittle myself and rush into a relationship, settle for some random guy just because it’s what society expects me to do. If the right person comes along, I’m willing to try but I’m absolutely not gonna just put my life and happiness on the line just to satisfy other people’s expectations of me. Life is short, why should I live in other people’s imagined versions of me?
Hmmm, this has turned into a rather long rant. Well I shan’t drag it out much longer, just a few quick notes to wrap this up.
Recommendations of the week:
I’ve discovered another Kpop gem: the girl group Mamamoo. They have a-MA-zing vocals, I love the harmony of the four girls when they perform, esp. impressed by their live performances. Here’s a link if you’re interested:
Started reading “Get the Guy” by Matthew Hussey, it was so insightful and helpful for regaining confidence in myself and life. We shouldn’t let others determine our worth, the only way to truly get the respect we deserve is to learn how to love and respect ourselves first.
Another fascinating book I’ve started is “Fashionpedia,” as you can deduce from the name, it is a fashion encyclopedia~ (I learned about it from one of my YouTube fashion advisors!)
Anyhow’s life ain’t no bed of roses, but we gotta keep our chins up and march forward! I believe there will always be light to breakthrough the sea of darkness. Until next time, dear readers!